The Feedback Wheel

Based on the work of Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy

Use these steps to give your partner the best chance at really understanding and attuning to you.

Step 1

“What I saw or heard happen was…”
Stick to what could be observed from a camera here, refrain from shifting into blame or judgment
Step 2

“What I made up about that was…”
Fill in your own internal narrative and interpretation of the event sing these specific words! Seriously, using these words is so important.
They let your partner know that you’re not shifting in to blame and recognizing that we both have our own subjective realities.
Step 3

“The way I felt about that was…”
Providing information about your own emotional experience of what happened separate from your narrative in Step 2 helps to make things really clear for your partner and gives them an opportunity to attune to your emotions without feeling blamed by your narrative.
Step 4

“Here’s what could help to make me feel better…”
Give concrete requests of your needs here that will make it easy for your partner to answer to.

Are you an anxious hunny in a relationship with an avoidant hunny?

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