The Feedback Wheel

Based on the work of Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy

Walk through these steps to experience the repair you’re looking for.

You’ve just experienced hurt in your relationship. Here is where to go next:

Step 1

“What I saw or heard happen was…”
Stick to what could be observed from a camera here, refrain from shifting into blame or judgment.
This is NOT about building a case against your partner. You may win, sure, but it will happen at the cost of your relationship.
Step 2

“What I made up about that was…”
Fill in your own internal narrative and interpretation of the event using these specific words. Seriously, using these words is so important.
They let your partner know that you’re not shifting in to blame and recognizing that we both have our own subjective realities.
Step 3

“The way I felt about that was…”
Stick with 1-2 emotions here and keep it simple by using emotions such as “angry, sad, lonely, hurt", etc” so that you don’t lean in to “I feel like….” This gives them an opportunity to attune to your emotions without feeling blamed by your narrative.
Step 4

“Here’s what could help to make me feel better…”
Give concrete requests of your needs here that will make it easy for your partner to answer to. This is NOT your opportunity to provide a laundry list of ways in which your partner needs to change.
Pick 1-2 actionable steps your partner can take that would make a difference to you.

Your partner has expressed a need for you to repair with them, here’s your roadmap.

Step 1

“What I hear you say is…” Repeat back what your partner witnessed happen.
Step 2

Own what you can about what your partner witnessed.
Avoid defensiveness and explanation of your intentions (there will be time for this but it’s not now).
Being able to say “Yes, I did that” is a beautiful self-esteem muscle to flex.
Step 3

Hammer it home: “This isn’t the first time I’ve done that, in fact, it’s a character flaw of mine.”
Being able to say this without defending yourself against shame signals to your partner: “Yes, I am an annoying human, just like you and I see the difficulty you’re having dealing with my particular flavor of annoying”
Step 4

“Here’s what I can do to fulfill those requests…”
Give what you can and be honest about what you can’t.

A reminder for couples in this repair process:

Stick to the script until it feels second nature
If you feel yourself derailing the process, take a moment to breathe, find yourself and try again
Give each other grace - repair is not widely taught in our culture and on a population level, we suck at it!
There is no place for an explanation of intention UNTIL you can clearly see in your partner that the hurt has been soothed.
If you notice yourself getting defensive because you don’t agree with what your partner’s saying, take a moment to breathe and find yourself. In order to arrive at the destination of your partner understanding your intentions, the car has to make a few stops along the way. There’s no shortcuts and if you attempt to shortcut it, you’re doing so at the cost of your relationship.

Are you an anxious hunny in a relationship with an avoidant hunny?

Whether you’re looking for couples or individual services - let’s see how I can help.