Shared Principles of Governance
What are they?
Shared Principles of Governance is a term coined by The PACT institute. They are short statements that my couples come up with to govern their relationship. They are the things you do as a couple to protect the relationship in the face of life’s inevitable stressors. These statements help guide my clients in creating the culture of relationship that they want to exist in.
A note - both partners have to whole heartedly agree on a principle for it to be effective. As a couples therapist, I can provide examples of principles but if you as a couple do not agree fully on the principle, it will likely not stand up to the test of time.
As Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT often describes it, these principles guide your behavior when doing the right thing is the hardest thing to do.
Some examples:
We put the relationship first, above all self-interests
We protect each other in the face of thirds.
We have each other’s back in the face of thirds.
We protect each other in public and in private.
We are each other’s confidante.
We notice each other’s distress and work quickly to relieve one another.
We repair with each other often and quickly.
We rectify misunderstandings quickly.
We are fully transparent with each other.
We never threaten each other or the relationship.
We don’t engage in conflict while intoxicated.
We share in decision-making around our children.
We check with one another FIRST when making a decision is going to impact the other.
We do loving, romantic things for each other often and without hesitation.
We honor and respect our intimate relationship.
Come up with your own!
Here are some considerations in coming up with your own principles to guide the relationship.
Based on information from the PACT Institute:
Principles always begin with the word “We”
Keep it short and simple. Word it so that a child could understand it.
Consider them carefully and ensure that you are both on board fully. Once in place, these principles should not be debated or changed.
If you find yourselves having difficulty deciding on a principle, zoom out to a larger level. For example, if you’re arguing about whether or not you should do yoga together, move to a broader level of “do we engage in self-care together?”
These principles guide action REGARDLESS of changing emotions, circumstances, how you feel toward each other, annoyance levels etc. “Test” them by asking yourselves if you can live up to them even when you’re at your worst.
Finally - these principles are not about policing your partner’s behavior, if this is the conversation you get into, you’ve missed the plot. Pause - these principles are designed to create a culture of relationship that you BOTH want to exist in, not an opportunity to create a false sense of safety in controlling your partner’s behavior.